PIGLET:Pooh, this is so difficult for me, but you were there for me when I was coming off the haycorns, and I need to be here for you now. Pooh, when you can’t get your fix I’m scared of you! That time with the balloon…
POOH:That was just a little spot of bother
PIGLET:Pooh! You ran out of honey, so you tied yourself to a balloon and tried to steal some from the bees! That’s not a spot of bother, Pooh, that’s the reckless desperation of an addict.
POOH:Come on, everybody loves my honey eating! It’s endearing, it’s comical
CHRISTPOHER ROBIN:I’m sorry, Pooh, it used to be funny how a bear likes honey, but it’s not funny any more
PIGLET:Pooh, the thing is, we’re only doing this because we care for you and…well - we don’t want to see you go the way of Tigger
POOH:Tigger? Oh God, am I like Tigger?
KANGA:Don’t you bring Tigger into this! Tigger’s just a bouncy boy who likes his strengthening medicine!
POOH:Kanga, Tigger is a psychotic tiger with a steroid addiction. And if that’s how people think of me…alright, thank you friends. This afternoon, I’m throwing away my honey.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN:Well done, Pooh. We’re sorry to be so hard on you, but we just had to say something, didn’t we, Owl?
OWL:Indeed we did, Christopher Robin. It was the heffalump in the room that no-one was talking about.
PRESENTER:And that’s the version you’re re-issuing this year?
NICHOLAS:Yes, only it’s now 500 things, to ensure that not even the most dedicated time and money rich twenty-something can possibly achieve them all.
PRESENTER:So, can we expect a thousand things next year?
NICHOLAS:Well no, because during the course of this interview I’ve become overwhelmed with shame. And I’ve realised that while there’s nothing wrong with telling people about exciting or interesting things they might not have thought of doing, it’s pretty twisted to turn that into a guilt trip, that uses people’s natural anxiety about making the best use of their time on earth as a stick to beat them with. And incredibly arrogant to set ourselves up as the arbiter of things people “must do” at all, let alone putting a sodding time limit on it. So we’re gonna go back to basics, call it “Two Things To Do Before Or After You’re 30” and give it away free on a postcard.
PRESENTER:So back to “survive and procreate”?
NICHOLAS:No, because most people who can afford books survive to thirty anyway, and it turns out you don’t need to procreate if you don’t want to. It’s going to read “one: be kind, two: have fun”.